#22 Don't eat that!

I have observed some effects that I have been having on people of late. My entire life I have always been the upstanding citizen, doing what was expected of me by society and that brings me to my current experiment.

I decided to wig out (i.e. go mental).

Wig out Part 1.
I threw away my face hair cutter and put the head hair cutters away and just let it grow, a beard and longer hair (at the awkward middle long hair stage) later and part one was ready to be brought to my adoring public. Initially there seemed to be little if any reaction at all until it started looking like I wasn’t just on holiday for the week. That is when people started stepping out of my way and saying sorry for stupid stuff etc. Apparently people are intimidated by a beard. In my mind I have rationalised this out to only to possible conclusions:

1. It is due to the word ‘Beard’ itself being made up of two very unsettling words. The first word being ‘Bea’ which we all know shouldn’t be spoken in any sort of respectable company. The second word ‘rd’ is actually the prefix for the words Reaktivniy Dvigatel which as we all know was the engine in Russia’s short ranged space experiments…

2. It is due to old ladies having beards and looking all round scary and eating olives out of a jar whilst talking.

I think it is more likely the second one.


Wig out Part 2.
I decided that I would try and become happier and do more stuff and be more optimistic. Part two was a complete failure, all it achieved was me becoming frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t getting happier by me doing the same things I have always done. I am not a healthy lad and have found that if I decide to go out and do crazy things that I need to sleep for a good three weeks to recover. The one good thing to come from Part 2 was when I was being the living dead in public I would get comments from aquantences/god/friends/randoms saying things like “You look tired but your beard is awesome!” or “Shave your beard you look really weird with a big beard.” or “My isn’t the weather good today?” To which I would respond “Fine thankyou”. Hmmm looking back on Part 2 it wasn’t all bad after all.


There would have been a part three but my head hair cutters died whilst they were locked away so when I got them out of the cupboard to shave my head (but leave the beard) my head left the bathroom decidedly not head shaven. I am tempted to shave my head with the dog hair cutting cutters but need to check if the dog has a condition before doing so.

That’s it.

#21 Frivolous Absurdity

And after all that I take a deep breath and realise that life isn't quite as bad as it looks...

I am getting a divorce at 23, my car wouldn't start when I got to the train station in the middle of the night, I can't sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night and those few hours are filled with tumultuous and disconcerting dreams.

Yet somehow I can still feel strangely elated, nothing seems to be going right but somehow it feels like ‘not going right’ is just the way it needs to be for me to wake up and smell the roses. I know that when I’m old, sitting in a rocking chair, I will reminisce about how great the good old days actually were and how I wouldn’t change a thing if I could. It is just the dark little room that I’m in at the moment doesn’t really allow me to see the bigger picture, for that you need to relax and stop worrying for a moment.

If you don't like your job, quit it.
If you don't like your car, ditch it.
If you don't like your life, change it.
If you don't like your religion, lose it.
If you don't like your relationship, leave it.
If you don't like who you are becoming, fix it.


Then when you are old and sitting in that rocking chair you can look back and say, 'I am so glad I quit that job/ditched that car/changed my life/lost that religion/left that relationship/fixed that problem. My life would have sucked if I hadn't done that...'

#20 It's Raining WHAT!

I just want to make reference to a song that states that it would be nice for something other than water (or precipitation at the very least) to come down like rain. I get that there is meant to be symbolism there but come on, reality would be so much messier.

I will start with 'It's raining men'... In this song the person singing the song appears to be excited that there is some weird atmospheric anomaly which is causing men to fall out of the sky. Now in the lyrics it says something like 'tonight at half ten its gonna start raining men' If that was the case can you imagine how many thousands of children would be traumatized as they were woken up by falling bodies crashing through their roofs and splattering all over the room!

The song states that Mother Nature did some crap that made angels do something which mad it so that there was a perfect guy for every woman, then he was going to fall out of the sky! (Not a direct quote) There is a maximum velocity that an average human body can reach before it cant physically go any faster in a free fall in the earths atmosphere ( v = u+at: If 'v' is the current velocity at time 't', under the acceleration 'a' and with the initial velocity 'u' (at time t=0). On earth the acceleration 'a' is: a = 9.81 m/s² which equals out to about 56m/s or roughly 200km/h at the point of zero acceleration) Have you seen what happens to something when it comes to a sudden stop at 200km/h? Well if it is soft centered like us humans in goes splat!

There would be widespread chaos as mangled corpses lined the street and houses lay in ruins from multiple 90kg projectiles smashing through their roof and walls. There would be such widespread carnage that the bodies would start to putrefy and spread disease before they could all possibly be cleaned up, and what a grizzly effort that would be.

Wow what a dumb song.

If I wrote it I would be ashamed of myself, very ashamed.

#19 Discovery

I just found porn in my room!
No wait, let me explain! It's not mine! I swear it's not mine!
Back to the beginning...

Today I successfully got my new bed set up in my bedroom. As I had spent very little time in my room since moving in (Due to my bed exploding see '#3 Night Terrors' or Fig.32) my closet has seen very little use. So much so that tonight was the first time that I saw the need to place folded clothing into it.

As I stood back to assess and appreciate my good work (Folded clothes, I'm a bachelor after all)I saw the corner of a magazine or 'book' and I immediately thought, 'Why the hell would someone put something up there? It is so hard to reach, what a stupid place for books.' So I innocently reached up and retrieved the before mentioned magazine.

PORN! According to my room mate I squealed like I had seen a dead thing (Aka he was actually concerned which is a rare thing) at the shock of finding a previous tenants stash. After a quick search of the top of my closet I found another two magazines.

After disposing of the Porn in the recycle bin (second hand porn - ew gross)I walked back inside and began to write this thing.

I think the moral of the story is that my life just isn't boring... Even when I just planed to watch some TV and fold some clothes something absolutely random will happen. Life is always interesting.

#18 Whats in a name?

Now that I am writing this thing I feel like I have some sort weight taken off of my shoulders. The pressure to write some thing witty yet intellectually stimulating is a strong one. Well it is a lot for one little man to cope with, constant badgering from adoring fans inquiring when the next instalment will be made available to them. Being chased down the road by adoring stalkers (possibly a neighbourhood dog?) it all takes its toll ($2.90) but anyway I'm not going to talk about that any longer.

Today I'm going to talk about changing my name. That’s right, new life after divorce why not a new name?

Here are my thoughts so far:
1. Benson Jensen
2. Benson John Jonk
3. Benson Eifink (or Eyfink)
4. Benson Trap

Now they all have there pros and not many cons which is where I have reached my conundrum. Which do I use? Which name will I go by until I'm dead (you can call me anything you want after that). So lets go through them one at a time.

1. Benson Jenson - There is the awesome (and very classy) by-product of when people call me Mr Jenson I can say ‘Call me Benson.’ Which will amuse me to no end especially when dealing with infrequent acquaintances who will have no idea what I’m talking about.

2. Benson John Jonk – When I was younger I use to refer to myself as Edamin Jonk Armstronk. This name is simply a play on words from this. And being called MR Jonk is cool!

3. Benson Eifink (or Eyfink)- When people introduce themselves I can introduce myself as Benson Eifink then they will say ‘you now sure?’ or something like that to witch I respond ‘about what?’ they say ‘your name.’ And I respond ‘no its Benson Eifink.’ Then they will get really confused and making people confused before a conversation has even started is a real achievement.

4. Benson Trap – I like it so that’s all there is.

So now I’m left with the difficult decision of deciding on the final verdict. I think I might ask my family which they like the best. Then disregard their opinion and do what I want.

#17 The Ben Effect

I would like to explore the concept of social dynamics, more specifically flirting. I am tossing up the idea that everybody has a handicap when it comes to flirting.

It is a phenomenon I have observed where the act of flirting is obvious to everybody but the two major players who sit obliviously, but in turmoil as to whether their opposite shares the same or even similar thoughts or emotions.

I would like to offer a solution to the problem at hand. I would like to entitle it 'The Ben Effect'.

Let me explain in a little more detail:

1. Men (like me I guess) are slow, we do not get subtle. We do not get 'hints'. We do not get body language and there is one simple reason for this. We (I can say that because I'm one of them)will rationalize these things as a longing or wishing rather than signs of affection. Simple as that.

2. Women want to be desired by people they desire themselves. But, like us (men) they still rationalize any returned favor as fancy or wishing.

Now I realize that I cant speak for women as accurately as I can for men (and am expecting to get stomped [see Fig. 32] for assuming I can) so ladies please feel free to correct any inaccuracies that I have put forth. But for the first part, and women take not, men are like that.

If you want our attention please, I implore you, be obvious with your sentiments. Trust me it will save you hours and hours of confusion and pain.

When it does work just remember to say to the world 'Thank you The Ben Effect!' and I will get the message.

Much obliged. And click the picture so that you can read the words.

#16 Smile as their taking me over

Tonight I talked at length with somebody that meant a great deal to me in my late teens with whom I lost contact with. The conversation was wonderful, finding out things that I had missed in the years that we had been apart. It brought on unremembered emotions, lost feelings of my youth. Oh how my life could have been different.

I can’t get to sleep for fear of dreaming. I don’t want to dream of the past, of the way things were. I am not talking about my marriage, which has passed out of my field of dreaming and into something more akin to a dream of yesterday, something no longer longed for nor cherished. I’m talking of things lost, or things that I never had.

With just one word different in just one conversation things could have changed completely, with one extra glance, life would be different. Not that I regret what has happened mind you, in fact I don’t want to change a thing. I am who I am today because of the things I have lived through. I know I am a better man because of the things I have learnt.

Never the less in the dark of night I still fear the dreaming, a subconscious longing for a time when the world was simple, before complications danced with my life daily, demanding I keep up with their intrepid dance, learn the steps as they pirouette around my ungraceful form.

Things will get better though, I know they will. Once everything has been finalized with the divorce I can close that chapter of my life. Once I recover completely from my illness I will feel strong enough for work again. Then I wont have to fear dreaming because then I will dream of the present and of the things yet to come.

#15 Oh to be king

I would like to invent a time machine which could accommodate me and about 1000L of water.

What I would do is go back in time to medieval England and take 1000L of mineral water with like healthy stuff in, like antibiotics or some crap.

I would take my water and give it to some poor people and tell them 'its magic water that makes you feel nice.' Then give it to them till they are really healthy and strong and they would be like 'Wow you are amazing, we want you to be king!'

I would be like 'OK!' but on the inside I would be laughing cause I knew what was coming next. Then later (three days probably) I would jump out of some box type thing and yell 'SUPRISE!'

Yeah, that would be awesome. Thats what I would do.

#14 Not just a dumb TV show

I love my group of friends, they seem to understand my eccentricities and outright insanities. We spent a couple of days together and it was really fun, I learnt so much about some of them.

One of my friends defends all my other friends whenever anyone of the other previously mentioned friends teased them which became somewhat of a sport for me, fun times ensued.

It is funny how people you have known for years (and some you have known for a lot less) all of a sudden mean more to you and become family.

I realize that this thought isn't as funny as most of my others, I have a quick message for all of you who share my sentiments which I will give through pictures. And here they are.

#13 All on my lonesome

It is surprising how nice it feels to sleep with someone 'NO DIR!' I hear you jibe.

Well shut up and let me finish, how rude of you.

I was meaning in a completely non sexual way. Let me explain myself, I mean literally sleeping with no sex. I have been by myself for the last seven months since my ex-wife kicked me out (refer to #1 My life) and I have slept alone every night since.

This past weekend I slept at a friends house with another friend staying as well. They have no spare bed and only one couch, as neither her nor I wanted to sleep on the floor (we were encouraged by our other friends to fight to the death for it) we decided to share the couch. the only way we could both fit on the couch without falling off was by cuddling.

Though we got very little sleep the first night (talking) and very little sleep the next (watching the IT crowd) I felt happy the next day on both occasions. It also felt nice that there was no need for more as she has other love interests and I'm not ready for anything so soon after getting divorced (though she is sexy).

It was a surreal experience, one I missed last night as I slept on my couch all on my lonesome.

#12 Guys Tattoooo

There is a gentleman on the train who has some tattoos on his left arm. They look like they were drawn by a drunk 8 year old (who is blind).

He has flames coming from his wrist up to his arm to his elbow and it seriously looks like the fire kids draw on a 'my house is burning down' picture.

If you are going to get tattoos at least get something slightly resembling good!

#11 The News

I am watching the news at the moment, the first item was about sport (some dumb footballer) the second item was also sport (some crap) and the next one was about some comedy skit that offended some americans.

What the hell is wrong with our news? How the hell are people meant to find out what is happening in Australia when that crap is on the news?

Well that's my rant about the news, the END!

#10 Who writes this stuff?

There is a girl who looks like a punk girl, badly died blue hair, body piercings. No tattoos though she looks to young. She is listening to ACDC on her iPod which is the point of my little rant I guess.

why is someone so young listening to such an old, has-been music group? ACDC is dumb. they screamed incomprehensible drivel into a recording mike.

That girl getting off the train is smoking hot!

Sorry, back to my story... It still baffles me as to why they are called Australian Legends. How are they Australian legends? I will admit that the musicians (not the drummer or singer) were ok but i have heard pub bands that play better. Legends my ass.

In my day (I'm 23) punk girls listened to music like Lamb, Weezer and System of a Down... ACDC was not on that list... I wish the lead singer would die already, or he becomes a pedo then people would be like 'Dont listen to ACDC, they are Pedos!'

That would be a wonderful world.

#9 More trainingness

Another train observation. I have recently been spending what seems like the better part of every day (2 hours a day, 3 days a week) and have worked out the secret to two of every commuters biggest fears.

Fear 1. Sitting next to strangers.

When there is a spare seat next to you and you don't want anybody to sit there, simply look eagerly at everybody that is getting onto the train. Most people will simply ignore you and find alternate seating (sometimes even standing to avoid sitting next to you).


Fear 2. Random conversations with strangers.

When a total stranger begins a conversation with you, you should ask very personal questions in response, completely ignoring their initial conversation starter, eg. 'If you get herpies how do you think you would tell your wife/husband?' or say 'I'm glad you brought it up...' then begin to talk nonsense for a while. Both options will result in the person quickly ceasing the conversation.



Im writing this on the train, the girl behind me just laughed out loud as she was reading over my shoulder. Now she is all red with imbaresment, what a strange girl.

#8 Movie buff

I watched a movie a few weeks ago called Dagon. It was a movie inspired by a short story written by H P Lovecraft (my favorite author). The movie was terrible. It was about a rich dude who crashed his yacht on a rock near a village. All the villagers were fish dudes who shambled really slow except for one old dude who was just old (the fish guys killed him later in the film, I think it was cause he was old).

The dude that crashed met a lady with no boobs and octopus legs who he wanted to have sex with until he remembered she was an octopus lady with no boobs. Then they did stuff, yadda yadda yadda. The End! Boring ha.

Needless to say I was bitterly disappointed with the movie so I decided to read the H P Lovecraft story that had inspired the crap movie.

It was actually good and I had a hard time making a connection with any similarities with the film except the name.

Bitterly disappointed crappy movie makers! Bitterly disappointed!

#7 Mass Training

Every time I get on the train I instantly feel tired. I'm awake on the platform, I'm awake in the car and at home, so why am I instantly tired on the train? Perhaps Queensland Rail have instigated some sort of chemical relaxant into the air conditioning to stop crazy people from becoming overexcited and exploding (what a mess). Or perhaps it is just really really boring...

#6 Shirts and what I think of them!

As of right now I'm fascinated with the concept of putting thoughts in your shirt. There was a school kid that just got in the train that had the definition of wasted on his shirt. I immediately thought 'What a retard' which is what I want on my shirt.

#5 "I'm into sports mum"

I find it funny that so many otherwise normal people spend so much money on 'sport'. Now I understand if you are playing the sport in question, but if you are simply a spectator then I pity you.

People spend millions and millions of dollars to watch grown men (because no-one watches women's sport) run around after a ball or whatever.
Now the homoeroticness of the whole thing would explain why homosexuals or closet-homo-bogans watch but to the average person I fail to see how this would be appealing in any way whatsoever.

Football (not soccer) is the worst culpret, now i understand that a good tackle in the real world is sometimes necessary, and rightly so, but paying some un-educated dick to run into some other un-educated whilst fighting over an oversized egg big dollars is rediculouse!

Come on educated society, why do we put up with it?

Equation:
b+m = I/E

#4 Synopsis

For some reason I feel like talking about science and more specifically the law of magnetism!

'Wow magnetism!' you say.

Yes... Magnetism. I was contemplating if people are magnetic, not in the common sense of sticking to the fridge but in the sense of how some people seem to have an unnatural need to hover. We have all heard the theories of attraction (Opposites attract etc.) and if you haven't you should be ashamed of yourself. But what about the poor polar neutral people? Do they become a species unto themselves? Are they doomed to wander the earth alone until some positive/negative charged person bumps into them and thinks 'Why not?' and decides to give them a chance.

This was definetly not my original train of thought, it was originaly my thoughts in my weird friend who stands just close enough to make you uncomfortable and breath funny.

But it changed, so there!

#3 Night Terrors

I sleep on a couch at the moment, when we moved into our new rental property I set up my bed. On the first night that I had the opportunity to sleep on the a fore mentioned bed I joyously took my chances with my haunted house.

Alas, it was not to be, as I was lying on my bed I heard a loud Crack! Bang! Crack! from the next room. As i inquired to see if my flat mate was 'OK' he replied 'NO! Please Help!'

I went to his room to help him re-assemble his now broken bed. After a few minutes of bed fixing, we had completed a good enough half arsed job so that he could sleep without his head hitting the ground.

I said 'Good night mate.' and went back to my room where my bed subsequently EXPLODED!

The End

p.s. our house is haunted.