#20 It's Raining WHAT!

I just want to make reference to a song that states that it would be nice for something other than water (or precipitation at the very least) to come down like rain. I get that there is meant to be symbolism there but come on, reality would be so much messier.

I will start with 'It's raining men'... In this song the person singing the song appears to be excited that there is some weird atmospheric anomaly which is causing men to fall out of the sky. Now in the lyrics it says something like 'tonight at half ten its gonna start raining men' If that was the case can you imagine how many thousands of children would be traumatized as they were woken up by falling bodies crashing through their roofs and splattering all over the room!

The song states that Mother Nature did some crap that made angels do something which mad it so that there was a perfect guy for every woman, then he was going to fall out of the sky! (Not a direct quote) There is a maximum velocity that an average human body can reach before it cant physically go any faster in a free fall in the earths atmosphere ( v = u+at: If 'v' is the current velocity at time 't', under the acceleration 'a' and with the initial velocity 'u' (at time t=0). On earth the acceleration 'a' is: a = 9.81 m/s² which equals out to about 56m/s or roughly 200km/h at the point of zero acceleration) Have you seen what happens to something when it comes to a sudden stop at 200km/h? Well if it is soft centered like us humans in goes splat!

There would be widespread chaos as mangled corpses lined the street and houses lay in ruins from multiple 90kg projectiles smashing through their roof and walls. There would be such widespread carnage that the bodies would start to putrefy and spread disease before they could all possibly be cleaned up, and what a grizzly effort that would be.

Wow what a dumb song.

If I wrote it I would be ashamed of myself, very ashamed.

#19 Discovery

I just found porn in my room!
No wait, let me explain! It's not mine! I swear it's not mine!
Back to the beginning...

Today I successfully got my new bed set up in my bedroom. As I had spent very little time in my room since moving in (Due to my bed exploding see '#3 Night Terrors' or Fig.32) my closet has seen very little use. So much so that tonight was the first time that I saw the need to place folded clothing into it.

As I stood back to assess and appreciate my good work (Folded clothes, I'm a bachelor after all)I saw the corner of a magazine or 'book' and I immediately thought, 'Why the hell would someone put something up there? It is so hard to reach, what a stupid place for books.' So I innocently reached up and retrieved the before mentioned magazine.

PORN! According to my room mate I squealed like I had seen a dead thing (Aka he was actually concerned which is a rare thing) at the shock of finding a previous tenants stash. After a quick search of the top of my closet I found another two magazines.

After disposing of the Porn in the recycle bin (second hand porn - ew gross)I walked back inside and began to write this thing.

I think the moral of the story is that my life just isn't boring... Even when I just planed to watch some TV and fold some clothes something absolutely random will happen. Life is always interesting.

#18 Whats in a name?

Now that I am writing this thing I feel like I have some sort weight taken off of my shoulders. The pressure to write some thing witty yet intellectually stimulating is a strong one. Well it is a lot for one little man to cope with, constant badgering from adoring fans inquiring when the next instalment will be made available to them. Being chased down the road by adoring stalkers (possibly a neighbourhood dog?) it all takes its toll ($2.90) but anyway I'm not going to talk about that any longer.

Today I'm going to talk about changing my name. That’s right, new life after divorce why not a new name?

Here are my thoughts so far:
1. Benson Jensen
2. Benson John Jonk
3. Benson Eifink (or Eyfink)
4. Benson Trap

Now they all have there pros and not many cons which is where I have reached my conundrum. Which do I use? Which name will I go by until I'm dead (you can call me anything you want after that). So lets go through them one at a time.

1. Benson Jenson - There is the awesome (and very classy) by-product of when people call me Mr Jenson I can say ‘Call me Benson.’ Which will amuse me to no end especially when dealing with infrequent acquaintances who will have no idea what I’m talking about.

2. Benson John Jonk – When I was younger I use to refer to myself as Edamin Jonk Armstronk. This name is simply a play on words from this. And being called MR Jonk is cool!

3. Benson Eifink (or Eyfink)- When people introduce themselves I can introduce myself as Benson Eifink then they will say ‘you now sure?’ or something like that to witch I respond ‘about what?’ they say ‘your name.’ And I respond ‘no its Benson Eifink.’ Then they will get really confused and making people confused before a conversation has even started is a real achievement.

4. Benson Trap – I like it so that’s all there is.

So now I’m left with the difficult decision of deciding on the final verdict. I think I might ask my family which they like the best. Then disregard their opinion and do what I want.

#17 The Ben Effect

I would like to explore the concept of social dynamics, more specifically flirting. I am tossing up the idea that everybody has a handicap when it comes to flirting.

It is a phenomenon I have observed where the act of flirting is obvious to everybody but the two major players who sit obliviously, but in turmoil as to whether their opposite shares the same or even similar thoughts or emotions.

I would like to offer a solution to the problem at hand. I would like to entitle it 'The Ben Effect'.

Let me explain in a little more detail:

1. Men (like me I guess) are slow, we do not get subtle. We do not get 'hints'. We do not get body language and there is one simple reason for this. We (I can say that because I'm one of them)will rationalize these things as a longing or wishing rather than signs of affection. Simple as that.

2. Women want to be desired by people they desire themselves. But, like us (men) they still rationalize any returned favor as fancy or wishing.

Now I realize that I cant speak for women as accurately as I can for men (and am expecting to get stomped [see Fig. 32] for assuming I can) so ladies please feel free to correct any inaccuracies that I have put forth. But for the first part, and women take not, men are like that.

If you want our attention please, I implore you, be obvious with your sentiments. Trust me it will save you hours and hours of confusion and pain.

When it does work just remember to say to the world 'Thank you The Ben Effect!' and I will get the message.

Much obliged. And click the picture so that you can read the words.

#16 Smile as their taking me over

Tonight I talked at length with somebody that meant a great deal to me in my late teens with whom I lost contact with. The conversation was wonderful, finding out things that I had missed in the years that we had been apart. It brought on unremembered emotions, lost feelings of my youth. Oh how my life could have been different.

I can’t get to sleep for fear of dreaming. I don’t want to dream of the past, of the way things were. I am not talking about my marriage, which has passed out of my field of dreaming and into something more akin to a dream of yesterday, something no longer longed for nor cherished. I’m talking of things lost, or things that I never had.

With just one word different in just one conversation things could have changed completely, with one extra glance, life would be different. Not that I regret what has happened mind you, in fact I don’t want to change a thing. I am who I am today because of the things I have lived through. I know I am a better man because of the things I have learnt.

Never the less in the dark of night I still fear the dreaming, a subconscious longing for a time when the world was simple, before complications danced with my life daily, demanding I keep up with their intrepid dance, learn the steps as they pirouette around my ungraceful form.

Things will get better though, I know they will. Once everything has been finalized with the divorce I can close that chapter of my life. Once I recover completely from my illness I will feel strong enough for work again. Then I wont have to fear dreaming because then I will dream of the present and of the things yet to come.

#15 Oh to be king

I would like to invent a time machine which could accommodate me and about 1000L of water.

What I would do is go back in time to medieval England and take 1000L of mineral water with like healthy stuff in, like antibiotics or some crap.

I would take my water and give it to some poor people and tell them 'its magic water that makes you feel nice.' Then give it to them till they are really healthy and strong and they would be like 'Wow you are amazing, we want you to be king!'

I would be like 'OK!' but on the inside I would be laughing cause I knew what was coming next. Then later (three days probably) I would jump out of some box type thing and yell 'SUPRISE!'

Yeah, that would be awesome. Thats what I would do.

#14 Not just a dumb TV show

I love my group of friends, they seem to understand my eccentricities and outright insanities. We spent a couple of days together and it was really fun, I learnt so much about some of them.

One of my friends defends all my other friends whenever anyone of the other previously mentioned friends teased them which became somewhat of a sport for me, fun times ensued.

It is funny how people you have known for years (and some you have known for a lot less) all of a sudden mean more to you and become family.

I realize that this thought isn't as funny as most of my others, I have a quick message for all of you who share my sentiments which I will give through pictures. And here they are.