Tonight I talked at length with somebody that meant a great deal to me in my late teens with whom I lost contact with. The conversation was wonderful, finding out things that I had missed in the years that we had been apart. It brought on unremembered emotions, lost feelings of my youth. Oh how my life could have been different.
I can’t get to sleep for fear of dreaming. I don’t want to dream of the past, of the way things were. I am not talking about my marriage, which has passed out of my field of dreaming and into something more akin to a dream of yesterday, something no longer longed for nor cherished. I’m talking of things lost, or things that I never had.
With just one word different in just one conversation things could have changed completely, with one extra glance, life would be different. Not that I regret what has happened mind you, in fact I don’t want to change a thing. I am who I am today because of the things I have lived through. I know I am a better man because of the things I have learnt.
Never the less in the dark of night I still fear the dreaming, a subconscious longing for a time when the world was simple, before complications danced with my life daily, demanding I keep up with their intrepid dance, learn the steps as they pirouette around my ungraceful form.
Things will get better though, I know they will. Once everything has been finalized with the divorce I can close that chapter of my life. Once I recover completely from my illness I will feel strong enough for work again. Then I wont have to fear dreaming because then I will dream of the present and of the things yet to come.
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